It has been observed that in the old paradigm women wanted to talk a situation to death and men just wanted to fix it. It seems that we are moving out of these old stereotypes and finding a whole new way of being whole together though we may not be entirely there yet.
A male friend and I were discussing a situation. I expressed frustration that a group I was working with seemed to be in chaos for lack of leadership and things were not getting done in what I considered a timely manner. He wanted to “fix” it by going to the next level of management to see that things got “done right”. I was reluctant to go that route since I was new to the group and didn’t want to seem to be taking over without being asked to do so even though I believed I could see clearly what needed to be done.
By talking it through we came to understand that this was in fact a necessary part of the process as we learn to honor and appreciate each other’s unique gifts that we bring when we try to come together in common purpose. In M. Scott Peck’s book on community building, The Different Drum, he talks about chaos being necessary as all express their individual needs and visions before things come together in a unified approach. Though the finished product might not be my personal vision of perfection or timeliness, it will be in fact a common vision that is brought into being through honoring all parts of the community. In that it will be perfect. We are all learning from each other how to coexist in partnerships with diverse understandings and agendas.
I mentioned to him that when a woman voices her concerns and frustrations, it does not necessarily mean that she expects him to “fix” things. Sometimes it is just that she needs to vent and understand how things are perceived from a male point of view. Sometimes we are just putting a toe in the water to test the depth before we venture forward and appreciate a weather report. In previous times women were not expected to be able to “fix” things themselves and consequently looked to the men in their lives to do the heavy lifting in that department. We learned how to study and learn all we needed to know about a situation to discern and advise the best way of avoiding bloodshed before we acted.
On the other hand men at times have come from a “shoot first, ask questions later” school of problem resolution. They want to cut to the chase and make things better so life can go on. While removing obstacles had its advantages, in some cases these were put there for our growth and need to be carefully dismantled to keep them from exploding in our faces. This is a perspective women can provide which helps expand the vision of partnership. By taking time to understand and explore both ways of resolving conflict, balance is being restored and we are becoming more integrated in our approach to life.
